They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
