she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
