I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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