fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
