you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
