Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.