it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.