I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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