Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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