That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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