The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
