are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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