Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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