Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
