i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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