Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
