i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
