A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
