***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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