your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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