im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
