Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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