Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's not a walk of shame if you run
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
