Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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