You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
