Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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