the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
