Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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