My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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