I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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