I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My butt remains clenched, sir.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
