just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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