i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
