I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
