I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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