If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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