MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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