i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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