peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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