Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
