you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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