Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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