i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
