You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
