Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
