im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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