I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
