i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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