a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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