Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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