Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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