my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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