I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
