My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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