i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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