tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
