It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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