So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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