Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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