Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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