He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
