she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
