i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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