I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
