Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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